Several years ago I gave my grandmother a remembrance book. It was one of those books on the clearance shelves at Barnes and Noble that encourages the older generation to share information with the younger ones. I thought it was a very smart gift and looked forward to reading my Grandma's thoughts.
First though, I want to say that my grandmother could be difficult. I am sure it was hard to be her spouse, her daughter, her son, her daughter-in-law or roommate, but it was not hard to be her granddaughter. I'm going to go so far as to say her favorite granddaughter.... but not because of anything I did. Mostly because my mom was clueless about newborns and I was the oldest child my mom had. So it gave my grandmother a bond with me that the other grandchildren did not get. I always felt very loved by my grandmother and although she could be difficult I ignored the many quirks she had and just enjoyed our relationship.
After my grandfather and my father passed away, my mom and grandmother bought a house together. Both felt this was a good idea at first, but they had some challenges and not to long after they moved in together they started to get on each others nerves. It was little things, like the afternoon stories grandma had to watch everyday that my mom couldn't stand and mom's leaving and not telling grandma when she'd be home which irked grandma. When I came to visit I would listen to each of them whisper to me why the other one was driving them crazy. They managed though and seemed to settle into the arrangement.
Well, after a few years, my mom got sick and rather quickly passed away. This left grandma with the house but the inability to stay in it without help. She moved to assisted living and it was right around this time that I gave her the remembrance book. According to my uncles and cousins, she took this book with her everywhere and worked on it regularly. After about two years she gave it back to me during a visit to her nursing home. I was so happy when I got it, I remember asking Pepper to drive us home so I could read it in the car on the way.
Much of it was what you would expect. Stories about her parents and siblings. Life as a teenager and a newlywed and a young mother. I remember smiling at the old, familiar stories and the sprinkling of new ones I never heard or did not remember. I would read some things out loud to Pepper and we would laugh together. One example was when my grandmother was scrubbing the kitchen floor and my Uncle L's goat came in the house and head- butted grandma's rear and sent her sliding across the clean floor.
I turned the page and the heading was "My biggest regret....." and grandma simply wrote "my daughter". I was stunned. My mother was her biggest regret?!! That's what she put in a book to me?! My mom was 2+ years dead by this point and it still stung. I couldn't believe that my grandmother felt this way. I went from totally stunned to totally angry. My 'angry' came out as loud crying I could not control. Poor Pepper was still just driving along and had no idea why I was suddenly so upset and I was so upset I couldn't tell her.
I could not get over the fact that my mom was my grandmother's biggest regret. The worst thing about this is that I was not able to ask my grandmother why. Why was my mom her biggest regret? Why did she write that? What reason could she have had to put that in my book? She died several years later. My visits were few and far between. Even when I visited I was distant and frustrated. She was pleasant enough to me and Pepper and our kids but I kept her at arms length for the rest of her life.
I now have four adult children. They are all fantastic and I am so proud of what they have become. I can't help but compare them to other people's children and I know, in my heart, that mine are the best. I could go into detail after detail about what all the kids are doing, and I might in another blog but this one is about Grandma. Now that I am farther from the event and can see it more clearly I know that I should have talked to my grandma about what she wrote.
I can see the point of view that a women with adult children has now. These kids that- as I said- are amazing, can also disappoint. For instance, as a mom with young children, they went where I told them. Don't want to go out to eat? to church? to a birthday party? vacation with me? --- tough! Get in the car. Now, as adults, they just don't. It is their prerogative, but it can be disappointing.
I've also had friends and family that lost their children. This is something I never even thought of until it happened. When my kids were young, they had mishaps and we had scary times. Car accidents and various injuries, but actual death and their loss never even really occurred to me. Maybe that is what grandma meant. Just that Mom died before her. That she was gone and Grandma had to deal with the loss. I will never know.
It strikes me now that I think Grandma wanted me to ask her about this. I think she wanted to give me insight or knowledge about something I just could not see then. At the time, I could not listen or understand. I really wish I could have. I am not sure that not asking Grandma about what she meant is MY biggest disappointment, but it is definitely in the top 10.
