My Favorite Carmel Pix

This is my favorite Carmel picture of all time. It has been on our refrigerator since I took it in 2006. My children all handled the news of Carmel's terminal illness differently.... but pretty much the way I would have expected. Dori asked… Can my boyfriend come? Macy wanted to know if Carmel would be listed in the obituaries. Pete was worried about the trip to the vet and he wanted to know if her eyes close by themselves. (I had no idea!!) And Pete asked "Can we get a new dog?"

As we told the kids the news Macy and Pete cried. Dill just stood there, a little overwhelmed. He heard the news but he did not know what to think. At one point, he looked at Pepper and I and said, "I think I will cry after." Sometimes I forget that the little guy is only 7. We all did cry at the vet's. It was not an easy thing to do on any level. And leaving her there in the room alone knowing I will never bring her back to the house was heartbreaking for me. We kept the kids busy the rest of the day. I actually found it exhausting to just be normal. Curling into a ball on my bed was in the fore front of my mind most of the day. The kids were exhausted and went to bed pretty early for a warm summer night. I guess we really did wear them out. I did not realize how hard just going to bed was going to be for me. Every night the last thing I do is feed the dog. Yes, it should be a kid chore but honestly it was one of those things that was just easier to do myself then follow behind to make sure the assigned kid actually did it. Last night I actually reached for Carmel's bowl before I realized I did not need to.

Looking at Carmel's empty bowl reminded me of her last meal. All of us were guilty. Carmel had cheese crackers, peanut butter bread, pizza rolls, several slices of salami, sausage and scrambled eggs with cheese. She was in heaven before she left our kitchen. This picture will be on our refrigerator for a long time to come. Good bye Carmel. 6/2001-8/18/2009

Carmel Girl

Our dog, Carmel has not been eating well for the last day or two. At first I thought it was because it was too hot to eat. Then she threw up on the couch and refused 'people' food... which she never does. She threw up two more times this morning so we made a vet appointment. The appointment was not pleasant. I know that crying women do not impress doctors. They stop giving facts and information if the patients family starts to cry. They can't help it... they do not want to cause more pain and they are only human. Looking at Carmel as the vet talked about cancer masses and massive bleeding, I knew I was not going to be able to handle the situation. I called Pepper at home as soon as the first x-ray indicated that there was probably a problem. She was in the room with me by the time the doctor came back with the second x-ray. The second x-ray showed a huge mass in her abdomen. The vet was explaining that her intestines were being pushed out of the way because of tumors, she was bleeding internally and whenever I looked at Carmel she wagged her tail. How the hell could I not cry? The doctor said we could get an MRI to verify.... which included a 3 hour drive to a vet that specialized in reading dog MRI's. He did not think the finding would reveal any new information. He said he could do exploratory surgery... but he let us know that there was a great possibility that she would die on the table. And healing would be difficult. He could just take a 'peek' but he did not think that anything he found would be treatable. We asked if she was in pain. He said yes, she was. She would be having a great deal of abdomen pain and the bleeding was only getting worse. I could tell that just by looking in Carmel's eyes. I knew the vet was preparing to tell us about putting Carmel to sleep. I love this vet and I know he cares about Carmel and would not want to let her suffer. Several thoughts were running through my head.... Our kids are out of town with their Dads for the weekend. Coming home to Carmel being just gone would be very hard on them. They would want a chance to say good-bye. The MRI or the 'peek' would not really help. The cancer is too bad... she would never really get well. Exploratory surgery may give the vet more information and could tell us what was going on, but if she died on the table it would mean that "surgery" is a scary thing, and that is not what I want my kids to think. We asked if we could keep Carmel comfortable until the kids were home and had a chance to say good-bye. He said yes, absolutely. We made an appointment for Tuesday. As the vet left the room, he leaned over and started petting Carmel. He said, "Goldens have such a great personality and are so beautiful... but so many of them get cancer." Carmel has been the best dog ever. For over eight years she has been an important part of our family and I am so glad for that. Tuesday will not be an easy day for any of us... please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. :)