Grandma and her biggest disappointment

 Several years ago I gave my grandmother a remembrance book. It was one of those books on the clearance shelves at Barnes and Noble that encourages the older generation to share information with the younger ones. I thought it was a very smart gift and looked forward to reading my Grandma's thoughts.

First though, I want to say that my grandmother could be difficult. I am sure it was hard to be her spouse, her daughter, her son, her daughter-in-law or roommate, but it was not hard to be her granddaughter. I'm going to go so far as to say her favorite granddaughter.... but not because of anything I did. Mostly because my mom was clueless about newborns and I was the oldest child my mom had. So it gave my grandmother a bond with me that the other grandchildren did not get. I always felt very loved by my grandmother and although she could be difficult I ignored the many quirks she had and just enjoyed our relationship.

After my grandfather and my father passed away, my mom and grandmother bought a house together. Both felt this was a good idea at first, but they had some challenges and not to long after they moved in together they started to get on each others nerves. It was little things, like the afternoon stories grandma had to watch everyday that my mom couldn't stand and mom's leaving and not telling grandma when she'd be home which irked grandma. When I came to visit I would listen to each of them whisper to me why the other one was driving them crazy. They managed though and seemed to settle into the arrangement.

Well, after a few years, my mom got sick and rather quickly passed away. This left grandma with the house but the inability to stay in it without help. She moved to assisted living and it was right around this time that I gave her the remembrance book. According to my uncles and cousins, she took this book with her everywhere and worked on it regularly. After about two years she gave it back to me during a visit to her nursing home. I was so happy when I got it, I remember asking Pepper to drive us home so I could read it in the car on the way.

Much of it was what you would expect. Stories about her parents and siblings. Life as a teenager and a newlywed and a young mother. I remember smiling at the old, familiar stories and the sprinkling of new ones I never heard or did not remember. I would read some things out loud to Pepper and we would laugh together. One example was when my grandmother was scrubbing the kitchen floor and my Uncle L's goat came in the house and head- butted grandma's rear and sent her sliding across the clean floor. 

I turned the page and the heading was "My biggest regret....." and grandma simply wrote "my daughter". I was stunned. My mother was her biggest regret?!! That's what she put in a book to me?! My mom was 2+ years dead by this point and it still stung. I couldn't believe that my grandmother felt this way. I went from totally stunned to totally angry. My 'angry' came out as loud crying I could not control. Poor Pepper was still just driving along and had no idea why I was suddenly so upset and I was so upset I couldn't tell her.

I could not get over the fact that my mom was my grandmother's biggest regret. The worst thing about this is that I was not able to ask my grandmother why. Why was my mom her biggest regret? Why did she write that? What reason could she have had to put that in my book? She died several years later. My visits were few and far between. Even when I visited I was distant and frustrated. She was pleasant enough to me and Pepper and our kids but I kept her at arms length for the rest of her life. 

I now have four adult children. They are all fantastic and I am so proud of what they have become. I can't help but compare them to other people's children and I know, in my heart, that mine are the best. I could go into detail after detail about what all the kids are doing, and I might in another blog but this one is about Grandma. Now that I am farther from the event and can see it more clearly I know that I should have talked to my grandma about what she wrote. 

I can see the point of view that a women with adult children has now. These kids that- as I said- are amazing, can also disappoint. For instance, as a mom with young children, they went where I told them. Don't want to go out to eat? to church? to a birthday party? vacation with me? --- tough! Get in the car. Now, as adults, they just don't. It is their prerogative, but it can be disappointing. 

I've also had friends and family that lost their children. This is something I never even thought of until it happened. When my kids were young, they had mishaps and we had scary times. Car accidents and various injuries, but actual death and their loss never even really occurred to me.  Maybe that is what grandma meant. Just that Mom died before her. That she was gone and Grandma had to deal with the loss. I will never know.

It strikes me now that I think Grandma wanted me to ask her about this. I think she wanted to give me insight or knowledge about something I just could not see then. At the time, I could not listen or understand. I really wish I could have. I am not sure that not asking Grandma about what she meant is MY biggest disappointment, but it is definitely in the top 10.

Time marches on....

It's hard to believe that it has been almost three years since I last posted a blog. I was working on something and a memory was triggered about a blog I wrote a while ago and I thought I'd stop by this site and see what was here.

He's an update:

Pete is doing much better. He has some residual memory issues, but if you weren't living with him or worked as a speech therapist you would barely notice. He can get stuck on a thought or idea and its a struggle to get him off of it.... and when he tries to argue his point of view he can get easily turned around. But, he is so much better. His face is healed and his body is what it was before. The only way to tell that he had any eye damage is when he tries to roll his eyes like a teenager- since he will turn 20 in a few months I hope that completely goes away.

Dori has finished her degree at MSU. She entered the political arena and became a campaign manager in a local election. Everything was going great- until the candidate lost. I think it really broke her spirit. Dori gave up politics. It really isn't the time for Democrats and Dori just didn't want to get on the Republican bandwagon. She's done several other jobs, like waitressing, working for the Girl Scouts, selling Mary Kay and lately insurance. I don't think Dori has found her niche yet.... but she keeps looking- she will find it.

Dill is now 15. He is super bright but his social skills are a bit lacking. For example, last summer Pepper and I took him with us on a cruise. He completely refused to go to the teen center and only wanted to hang out with us or his dads. One day, he was sitting on a deck chair and a teenage girl about his age came up to him and asked his name. Dill, dropped his Sudoku book and looking at the ground stammered "yeah" and went back to his room. Later he said, there were 20 deck chairs to his right and 10 to his left.... why did she have to come to the one right beside him? - He said really it messed up his concentration for Sudoku!

Macy has made the most changes. In fact, I am changing Macy's Blog name. It is now Mack. Mack decided (or always knew) that being a female wasn't working. Mack has been taking testosterone for over a year and recently had a double mastectomy to help his outside look more like he feels it should. This was a hard change for Pepper and I to deal with, but we love Mack and want him to be happy- so we did. Mack seems happier and has big plans in restaurant management... maybe even a move to a bigger town.

Pepper and I are still plugging along. Pepper left the job she had for 20+ years to try something a little different. She is still doing speech, just in a hospital setting now. It means a little more money and different hours (she loves Fridays off!). Today I have a snow day and she doesn't..... she's not really a fan of that change!

Not sure I have a lot more to say, but maybe I'll get into blogging again. I'll try not to take 3 years to post something new....

Thanks for reading.

ilene

Breathing

I should be at work today doing speech therapy with the kids on my caseload. Instead, I'm sitting in a dark room listening to Pete breathe. I love listening to the sound of one of my kids sleeping. When they were little I'd hold them and it would relax me and make me feel at peace. I haven't listened to Pete sleep in a long time. I've seen Pete asleep. When he falls asleep on the couch or in the backseat of the car, but I haven't listened in a long time.

He's in lots of pain and yesterday his sleep was fitful and scary because his heart rate, respiration, pulse ox and blood pressure monitor would set off alarms and set us all on edge. He moaned in his sleep and more than once a tear would roll out his eye and down his cheek without him even aware of it. Today, he seems a little more at ease. He still occasionally moans or complains that he is uncomfortable, but the soft breathing, gentle snoring are the sounds I remember from his babyhood. I'm glad to get to hear those again. Pete still has a long road ahead- healing is hard work.

Be careful what you call me

Yes nurse, you are in charge here. We are on your turf. Coming into this intensive care unit with a very hurt 16 year old boy has knocked me off my game a bit. Our priority is getting him well, so we'll do what it takes. I know we aren't your typical family. Having two moms and two dads is weird, not what this Catholic hospital is programmed to handle. But when you said to me: "No, the real MOM needs to be here." I may have remained quiet but know this.....

I was there when this child was conceived, I felt his kicks while he was inside the womb. I was there in the elevator of this very hospital as we rode to the birthing center the day he was born. I touched his hair when it still had amniotic fluid on it. You met him 4 minutes ago as he was wheeled in here broken and hurt.

I taught him to talk, to walk, to ride a bike and to drive that truck that he just wrapped around a pole. I enrolled him in the school he left without permission to get himself snack mix for lunch. I have kissed ouchies, bandaged boo-boos, removed bee stingers and splinters and taken him to more doctor and dentist appointments then I can count. I can tell you what happened and how he got every little scar on his body and give you more of his medical history than he could on his best day.... And this is not his best day.

I will be quiet and let you care for this boy so I can have my son back.... But be careful what you call me. And if you catch me on another day when I'm not scared and my kid isn't laying on that gurney... I'll be ready and you will know what the word Mom really means and what happens when you cross a real mom.

With the new truck

(**This incident happened with the very first SICU nurse we came across. I have to say every other nurse at St. Joes was respectful of our family and down right friendly. More important than that, our son got excellent care and I am grateful to every single one of them. But that first nurse made me hurt in ways no one with a loved one dealing with an injured patient should be hurt.)

The Weather Boy

I remember the "My First Weather Station" thermometer we had in the kitchen when the kids were little. It had an image of a boy in the display that dressed according to the temperature. So when we first plugged it in and it was 80° the little fellow was wearing a bathing suit and a smile ready to dive in a swimming pool. As summer turned to fall the little guy moved from shorts into long pants. In late fall the temperature in Michigan dropped to 45° our little display was wearing a long coat, boots, scarf and wool cap.

At that point we lost all respect for our weather boy. In Michigan we don’t pull out the hat and gloves until it is at least freezing. And the long coat… at 45 degrees? The kids immediately changed his name to “wimp boy” instead of weather boy and every morning they all got up to check to see if he was overdressed. Poor kid, he just wasn’t used to our Michigan weather.

Going hiking on North Manitou Island

I am packed. This was no small feat. I have 39 pounds of things in this backpack…. Including about 3 liters of water. I have no idea how in the hell I will carry it as far as I need to. I put the pack on in my bedroom and walked out to the kitchen…. I thought I was going to die. The first day of my hiking trip we are scheduled to walk 4 miles. That is just to the campsite. These gung-ho women I am traveling with will probably want to go further and farther than that. I may be in serious trouble here.

There were many packing questions I had that I just had to guess at. Like: how much toilet paper does one person go through in 6 days? I have no idea….. maybe I could have Googled it- but I really feel they would just be guessing too. I have one extra outfit in my bag and my bathing suit…. But I insisted on 6 pairs of underwear. I do not think this is excessive. I really like clean underwear, and I just do not want to take fewer pairs and beat them against a rock and wring them out to dry on this trip.

Macy waited until I was all packed and had everything crammed into the bag (for the 3^rd time) to mention that I should fill the water bladder to make sure everything fit with the water in it. So I unpacked everything and filled it. It fit… it just made the bag heavier.

I am concerned that I will not have water, electricity, bathrooms….. and internet for 6 days. I have no idea how I will fill up the time. I’m going to keep a journal but I really dislike handwriting everything. Typing and auto-correct are really the way I like to go now. (My 8^th grade typing teacher would be amazed…. He didn’t think I’d ever learn to type!)

I think I will miss my family even more than flush toilets…. And that is A LOT! I worry about what I will miss at home and what’s going on in the real world. Also, there are no chairs, I really like chairs. I think this island should invest in a few picnic tables. I am not sure if I can even put the pack on from the ground…. And if by some miracle I can get it on, I wonder if I can get up off the ground with the pack on without some kind of rope system… or a crane.

Ok, enough of these thoughts. I’m just going to try my best. Did I mention there are a lot of snakes on this island? Not gonna worry about it, but I will keep my tent zipped tight! Wish me luck!! Good thoughts and prayers are very welcome too! J

“Call Poison Control!!!”

Dill came running from the bathroom yelling, foaming at the mouth and eyes wide.

Me: what’s the matter?

Dill: I just brushed my teeth with itch cream!!

Me: What?! You’re all right. Just rinse your mouth out and brush your teeth with toothpaste.

Pepper: Don’t you people read the tube?!

(I had done the same thing this morning. Pepper put the cortisone cream on the counter where we usually keep the toothpaste)

Dill: (To Pepper) Mom, I’m gonna die!

Pepper: You’ll be fine, Salt did the same thing this morning. She’s fine.

Me: Its true, my teeth haven’t itched all day!!

Follow up- Dill started crying and REALLY wanted Poison Control called. We did. They said IF he swallowed a lot he could have a little diarrhea, but no other issues to be concerned about… they also called our boy a Drama King….  They pegged him!!

J

Bedroom conversation

Pepper: I can't sleep.
Me: Why not?
Pepper: I don't know, I was sleeping fine in the car.
Me: I know. Every time the speedometer went over 45 MPH you fell asleep! Then you didn't wake up again until I went below 45!
Pepper: Remember when the kids were little and you would drive them around until they stopped crying and went to sleep?
Me: Uh-huh.
Pepper: Feel like driving me around until I'm tired?
Me: No
Pepper: Do you want me to drive you around so you can fall asleep?
Me: You mean, get out of bed and back into the car we've been in all day?
Pepper: Uh-huh.
Me: No.
Pepper: ok, good night.
Me: Good night.

At the doctor's today.....

Pepper and I were waiting in the exam room for the doctor to come in for my appointment. It was taking longer than usual and I was getting impatient.

Me: This is taking too long. Where the heck are they? Maybe they forgot we’re in here!!

Pepper: I could run out of the room yelling that you’re having a seizure… I bet someone will come in quickly then.

Of course, just as we both burst out laughing…. In comes the doctor!! :D

Working in a Consolidating School District

Each day I enter the school with confidence and determination.  I have done this job for 17 years. I know what to do.

Each day I step into my office ready to take on the pile of work I left yesterday and I am ready for the new challenges that will reach me on the phone… in a report… from a parent… from a teacher or a co-worker….from a small, distorted voice in the hall. I look forward to working with my students.

Each day I have a plan- Each day I am ready to teach

Each day I pray that I will make a difference

Lately, each day is harder than the one before…

I feel less confident that I will finish yesterday’s tasks

I feel less determination to take on new challenges

I feel over-whelmed by the phone

Reports

Parents

Teachers

Coworkers

Blood pressure

My sister has gotten herself into a mess. Sometimes, as we were growing up, it felt like she could fall into a 100 thorny rose bushes and come out without a scratch but then at other times she would  trip on an invisible crack in the sidewalk and barely recover. This time she did not fair well. She ended up in a dark and lonely place. Her mind, heart and spirit are broken. I haven’t seen her since Christmas 2 years ago. I miss her.

She sent me a letter today. She started with an inside joke only I would get, an old joke from an episode of Laverne and Shirley from when we were kids. Then she offers me words of encouragement and advice. It isn’t bad advice, but I’d never admit that to my little sister. She ended with information about how things are going for her. Its hilarious and I am going to share it here:

“Well, I am working on getting into the boot camp that starts in June. But wait till you hear this... I have to take a physical for it. This nurse went to take my blood pressure and it was really high (I knew it would be because I just came from my shrink and was a wreck). She put the cuff on (of course, she is like 5'5 not even 100 lbs) and the thing flew off and hit her in the face because of my fat lunch lady arms. The doc couldn't stop laughing after he saw that she was ok and didn’t have a flesh wound. I’m like ready to die. Needless to say they are going to call me back when they have the bigger cuff for fat ladies... “

Observations from the back seat

When I was about 13, I remember being over at my Grandparents for a celebration. As we were all leaving (My family and my mother’s brother’s family) David, my 16 year-old cousin got into the driver’s seat. He always seemed so old to me while we were growing up because he was 3 years older so that usually put him into the school just above where I was (jr high when I was still in elementary, high school when I finally made it to jr. high, etc.)

So I watched in awe as we all got into our cars and he got into the driver’s seat. Not only did he get to drive, but my other cousin, Kim, who was only one year older than me got into the passenger seat and my aunt and uncle got into the back seat! At the time, this was very amazing to me.  This never happened in my family. I made the request a few years later once I got my license but both parents gave a resounding no to the idea of me and either of my sisters in the front seat while they sat in the back. Oh well, I tried.

Last night, after a dinner with all 8 of us, the guys took the boys to their house and the girls came home with us. Macy asked if she could drive. I could not say no. The cool awesomeness I remembered my uncle being would finally be mine! Not only did I let Macy, our 17 year old drive, but I had Pepper sit in the back with me and had Dori ride in the front passenger seat.

Here’s what I learned: Pepper was not happy with this suggestion to sit in the back. The door handle in Dill’s spot has something sticky on it. Dori, in charge of the radio, does not like the same kinds of music I do. The speakers in the back are much louder from Dill’s spot. You can not see over the driver’s seat from his spot so I had no idea when turns, bumps, ramps, passing cars, stop lights…. were coming up. Macy likes to “shimmy” the ever-slightest bit like a race car driver as she tools along the highway. From the clothes hook above my head, Dill long ago tied a balloon. The string left behind is long enough to hit my forehead. There is no lumbar support in the back seats of our SUV. I still get car sick in the backseat. My parents were much smarter than my uncle. :)

Power Outage

A big storm rolled through our area recently dumping quite a bit of snow and knocking out power all over. We did not actually lose power when everyone else did, ours was mostly a brown out. We had dim lights, use of the stove, but not the microwave or oven and couldn’t use our pellet stove or TV. We were all home together for a snow day. The kids played games and we all read and hung out. At the end of the day, Dill announced, “Hey, we got through the whole day without technology!” I think he felt like Laura Ingalls!

This reminded me of the first time I ever lived through a power outage. My family lived in Cleveland and I wasn’t more than 3 or 4. It was a big summer storm that knocked out power all over. Our whole neighborhood was without power. On day 2 of the outage, my Dad talked to the neighbor because they were both worried about losing everything in the freezer. They decided to get out their grills and just cook everything. Other neighbors joined in and it became a huge neighborhood party. The outage did not affect us too much since it was summer and when it got dark, everyone just went to bed. On about the 4^th day, Mom was ready to do some laundry and was again talking to some neighbors about how long they would be without power. It suddenly occurred to my mother that the electric company should have given an estimate on how long the outage would last. She asked who had called to notify the company that the power was out and all the neighbors looked at each other and then started laughing when they realized no one had called because they assumed someone else had! Mom called and was told the power would be turned back on within the hour. J

Weekend at Waterpark

We went to a waterpark to celebrate a long weekend off school. We met Jay and Lexi, and lots of members from their family, Dad B &D and my sister L and her family. It was nice because pretty much everywhere we went we saw familiar faces. We had the option of taking a shuttle over to the casino but instead decided to stay at the waterpark hotel and play card games without losing our shirt!

                      

We took these pictures and I realized that in the distant future this would be my idea of heaven. Friends and family relaxing together, laughing and playing games.

On the way home we even stopped to take Dori out to lunch!

It was a very nice short vacation. :)

Energy Crisis

As a child I thought the energy crisis had been invented by crazy parents like my Dad who would wander around the house yelling out numbers as he counted how many lights had been left on in the rooms no one was in. (Its horrible because now as an adult I often wander around my own house counting how many lights my kids leave on after they leave a room!)

I long ago proved that the energy crisis was made up. There were commercials on TV when I was 6 or 7 that told kids that to help with the energy crisis we should turn off the water while we brushed our teeth. The announcer told us that there was a water shortage and we needed to do our part to help save water. Pa-leeze! There was no water shortage! .... I really doubted that were true- so one day I turned on the bathroom faucet full blast then went off to watch episodes of Sesame Street, Electric Company and Captain Kangaroo. I came back into the bathroom and the water was still pouring out!!  Since we lived in a city and we paid by how much we consumed.... all I can say now is: my poor Dad!!   :)

Oh no... "Star-get"

Two of Pepper's biggest expenditures and addictions are the store: Target and the coffee house: Starbucks. I was just in a local Target today and saw this sign! Oy, our bank account is in trouble! To make things worse, the store is almost on our way home from work..... and Pepper loves a "long cut" (the opposite of a short cut!)

Giant's lunch

As a group of kindergartners went into the lunch room I noticed the tray included chicken patties without a bun.

One of the kids also noticed what was on the tray and said to me, "Wow! We are having a giant people's chicken nugget!"

:)

I see Old people....

Pepper and I were getting ready for bed one night and she was looking in the mirror. She tells me she notices a wrinkle.

Me: Wrinkles are a sign of a good, long life.

Pepper: I don't like them.

Me: (changing tactics) Well, many cultures honor and respect older people for their wisdom.

Pepper: I respect old people... I just don't want to be one!!

:)

Out of the mouth's of babes

At work my new student teacher has started working with a group of 1st graders. She brought in a Batman and Robin matching game that she found on the internet. The kids loved playing it and it was fun to listen to the conversations they had together, but this one is my favorite....

Student: I'm looking for Robin. He's Batman's wife.

Student teacher: You mean Robin is Batman's friend?

Student: No, actually we call them partners.... that is what they are. :)

Dish Duty

I think Dill often says very eloquent things when he speaks (especially for an 11 year old). For instance, tonight as we were driving, he was talking about some candy he still had left over from Christmas. He said, “No one can really capture the essence of the banana flavor in candy" This phrase tickled me and I made a point to remember it.

However this morning I was less than amused when, as I was picking up Pepper and my breakfast dishes from the table he said to me, “Be a dear and take away my dishes too” That earned him dish washing duty! J